Urzu Durkut

For future reference, this getting frisky business doesn't last very long. So the next time you do feel that good frisky, try not to get too carried away. More often than not, something will snap you out of your 'friskiness'.

Yes, today isn't one of my brighter days.

I push away the good things, I do. A lot of my life would be different and possibly nicer, if I didn't go out of my way, making that effort to change things (more like, screw them over repeatedly). I dislike, disapprove and disillusion a little too much. Nothing is ever good enough. Ever. No, it's not greed, just miserably high standards and as much as I hate to admit it, self imposed expectations. And then the endless search for something new and scintillating, all the time. Nothing holds my interest and goodwill long enough. So here I am again, craving that something or someone would.

Why this wallowing, you ask? It isn't.

Call it my way of ruminating the life I live, my way of coming up with convictions as to why these seemingly terrible things I do, are actually what I like about my days.

I like to push away the good things to find out what it means for them to be good. I like to go out of my way to change things, to see where that change takes me. Too much of the dislike, disapproval and disillusion? I feverishly look forward to what the sieving left behind, to the fostering it claims.

The 'not good enough' keeps me scouring my days for things I don't know of, things they don't yet speak of. And it wouldn't be an endless search if it weren't for the endless possibilities. New, scintillating, endless possibilities.